22 ways to annoy your boyfriend
by sci-fi.is.my.life
Summary: Idea Five: Prank call them from the next room
1. Chapter 1

22 Ways to Annoy Your Boyfriend

Pairing: Jack and Ianto, who else? Gwen? Pfft I killed her in my other fic

Disclaimer: If I owned Torchwood Ianto would be alive, so would Tosh, John would come back, Gwen would be dead and Rhys would become weevil king in light of Owen's demise. Unfortunately, I don't own Torchwood so Ianto and Tosh are dead, John is only The Doctor knows where, Gwen is alive and Rhys is not in control of the weevils, which is why I'm here, writing things my way

Author's note: This is set in the same ficverse as Coffee Shop Chronicles but you don't have to read it to understand the humour it just makes the situation a heck of a lot more user friendly.

Sci-fi

1: Continually ask where the cat food is even though you don't have a cat

"Ianto?" Aforementioned Welshman peered over the top of his book at his boyfriend who appear to be searching through their cupboards

"Yes, Jack"

"Where's the cat food at?"

Ianto dropped his book into his lap and stared Jack

Jack continued on his hunt through the tinned cans

"Jack""Hmm?""WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN WHERE IS THE CAT FOOD?"

Jack merely grinned sheepishly at the slightly enraged, totally confused Ianto.

"I mean that I can't find the cat food" Ianto groaned and let his head hit the armrest of the sofa.

Jack jerked forward, extending a hand in concern.

'Ianto? Are you ok?" Ianto ignored Jack and lifted his head towards the heavens

"Why, God? Why me? Out of all the people in the entire world you could have given this idiot to you gave him to me! WHY MEEEEEEEEE?" He mashed his forehead with the heel of his hand "Jack, we do not have a cat"

Jack huffed and crossed his arms

Yeah, and?" Ianto's jaw clenched distracting Jack from his task when he saw that strong, lovely to bite jaw line "And, I don't understand why you are looking for cat food that we do not need because WE DO NOT HAVE A CAT!"

"Well, fine, be that way, jeez what's a guy gotta do to find some cat food in this place?" Ianto glared

"Fine I will be this way, reasonable and sane" Jack looked up from the cans on the floor and gestured to his face"Am I bovvered?"

"I wouldn't know BECAUSE I'M NOT LOOKING"

Silence rang in the apartment

"I still can't find the cat food"

**A.N.**

If you like what you see and you see what you like and you like who I be then keep the love alive, favourite, comment and subscribe.


	2. Chapter 2

22 ways to annoy your boyfriend

Janto fun

Disclaimer: Do we really have to go through this every time? I think we all know what would happen if I took over Torchwood and Doctor Who

Author's Note: Let's just say that this is Ianto's revenge.

Enjoy

Sci-fi

Idea Two: Mismatch all their socks, knowing that they can't go anywhere if their socks don't match.

"Jack"

"Yes, Ianto, dearest?" Jack tried to avoid the acid gaze of the young Welshman standing in front of him holding two, un-matching, socks.

"Why, pray tell, are every single pair of my socks mismatched?"

"I have absolutely no idea what so ever"

Ianto's eyes seemed to radiate the thoughts of the American sitting in front of him in various painful positions. Jack winced.

"I'm sure you don't" Jack grinned

"Nope, I have no idea how that happened"

Ianto smiled. It was the kind of smile that instilled fear even into the most battle hardened soldiers hearts.

Jack knew that smile. It was the smile he got when he'd done something stupid and was about to pay for it in some degrading, unpleasant, quite possibly painful way.

The last time he'd seen that smile he had been forced to dress up as Sailor Moon, complete with wig for an entire day of school. The nicknames were still haunted him.

Jack slowly started to back away. His grin faltered as Ianto's grew wider.

"Uh.." he looked into Ianto's steely eyes and knew he was in big trouble

"You will rematch all my socks, properly. You will have exactly 15 minutes or you won't be coming anywhere near my bed for two weeks"

Jack's eyes widened in shock. He stood there gaping as Ianto stood in front of him looking as if he hadn't just crushed his boyfriends soul.

"What are you standing there for, times a wasting"

*15 minutes later*

"SHIT! Why did I have to pick a boyfriend with so many socks!"

"Because I make good coffee"

Needless to say Jack didn't get any for two weeks.


	3. Chapter 3

22 ways to annoy your boyfriend.

Disclaimer: *in an incredibly bad rendition of Shultz off Hogan's Heroes, which I don't own either* I own nothing, NOTHING. Well when I say nothing I mean I don't own torchwood and/or any related characters and merchandise. No matter how hard I try to delude myself.

Author's Note: sorry if this sucks, but I haven't written for a while so yeah… be nice.

Enjoy

Sci-fi

Idea Three: Get a cat so that you have a reason to be searching for the cat food.

Ianto stared at the _thing. _The _thing _stared back.

The stare-eyes war was interrupted by the slamming of the front door

"Ianto, I'm home" the sounds of Jack hanging up his coat and removing his boots travelled through the hall. Footsteps moved closer to Ianto and the _thing_.

"Ianto, you her- hey what're you doing just standing there?"

Ianto's eyes flicked away from the _thing _to Jack. Jack's step halted as he met the Welshman's gaze.

"Uh, what'd I do this time?" The frown deepened

"You have exactly one minute to explain why there is a _cat _sitting on _my _couch staring at me that was not there when I went out this morning"

Jack chuckled nervously and scratched at the back of his head as he tried to come up with an answer that wouldn't result in him spending the next week and a half sleeping on the couch.

"Well…"

"59, 58, 57"

"I was thinking about how you always hug a pillow when you're on the couch and how when I was little I had a cat and how I used to do the same, so I thought I'd get you a cat. That way you wouldn't yell at me when I looked for cat food in the cupboards. I was walking passed the bakery and I saw a sign saying she was up for adoption at the SPCA so I went out to see if she was there and she was, so I adopted her for you because I thought you'd like her cause she's all fluffy and small and she's really, really friendly so you can hug her instead of a pillow on the couch"

Ianto looked at the cat and shrugged

"Ok, she can stay" Jack's eyes brightened and he lunged forward to hug Ianto.

"Thank you" the words were slightly muffled by Ianto's neck

"It's ok. What's her name?" Jack pulled back to look at Ianto

"I haven't thought of one yet I was thinking you could name her?"

Ianto nodded

"How about Ophelia?"

"Really, giving in to your Shakespearean obsession?""Do you have a problem with the name Ophelia?""No, no, its just you know, she's a cat, not an Elizabethan potential princess"

"Cats treat everyone with the disdain of royalty the time-space continuum over, I think a potential princess from the works of quite possibly the most famous writer in history fits quite nicely"

Jack rolled his eyes

"Fine you win, her name's Ophelia"

"Excellent, now have you gat her a litter box yet?""No"

"A bed"

"Uh, no"

"Please tell me you at least got her a food bowl?""Nooooooooo"

"Jack!"

"What?""You can't just get a cat and nothing else"

"Well…"Ianto sighed at his at times not the best person to think things through boyfriend

"Let's go to the pet store"

"YAY!""We are not getting another cat, Jack"

"Awww"

Author's Note: Did I tell you it would suck, on cheese, CHEESE! Let me know if you like it. Reviews are the chocolate chips to my cookie.


	4. Chapter 4

22 ways to annoy your boyfriend

Disclaimer: I feel we are all relatively secure in the knowledge that I don't own Torchwood. If I did well, I think we all know who would be the first person to die in some form of horribly mutilating yet hilarious way…

Author's Note: Holy smoke, Batman, two in one night!

Careful, Robin, we don't need the fans getting rabid now do we?

No, oh wise and powerful one

Enjoy

Sci-fi

Idea Four: Convince your pair of computer genius friends to set the screensaver on your boyfriends laptop irreversibly setting it to some form of delightfully embarrassing picture.

= The day before=

"C'mon guys, please?" John and Tosh glanced at each other as if trying to decide whether or not to give into their friend's pleading and risk the wrath of Ianto.

They sighed as they caved

"Fine, we'll help you but only on the condition that we get to choose the picture we're putting up, ok?"Jack grinned

"You've got yourselves a deal"

= The present day=

"Jack?" aforementioned American looked up from the play station

"Hmm?""Have you been on my laptop recently?" Jack shook his head and laughed evilly on the inside

"No, why?" Ianto frowned in confusion

"Just wondering"

"Kay"

=Later on that day=

"JACK!"

Jack's eyes widened in terror as he quickly scanned the apartment for hiding places and dived behind the couch

"Jack Harkness, you have five seconds before I swear to whatever higher power is out there, I will make you sleep on the couch for a month."

Jack shuddered and pushed further back into the couch

"Five"

Ways to escape the situation with minimal damage flew through Jack's head.

"Four"

The most plausible being either taking a running dive out of the window or tackling Ianto into the bed and snogging him until he forgot why he was angry in the first place!

"Three"

It would have to be the tackling idea. That way Ianto would forget why he was angry at Jack, Jack would get to snog and do otherwise to his boyfriend and would have enough time to get Tosh and john to undo the screensaver!

"Two"

Jack jumped up and hurdled over the couch into Ianto, crushing their mouths together.

For a moment Ianto was too shocked to move. However when he came to the realisation of what was happening he shoved Jack away.

"You are in so much shite right now" it would appear to the general audience that Jack did not heed the warning of Ianto's tone and shoved him back into the bed room.

For the duration of the terror/make out session Ianto's laptop sat on the desk, innocently displaying an obviously photo-shopped picture of Ianto's head on the body of a female ballerina.

Author's note: Reviews are the pirate zombies to my ninja pandas.


	5. Chapter 5

**22 ways to annoy your boyfriend**

**Disclaimer: So, just got off the phone with the BBC apparently I still don't own Torchwood or any related merchandise and that my offer of half a pack of gum, a pen and the seventy cents I found under the couch has been rejected. Snap.**

**Author's Note: Woah, I'm getting good at updating thrice in under two weeks on the same fic, no doubt. This is really starting to freak me out, next thing you know I'll be updating daily and not venturing outside. Outside into the freezing ass cold rain that shouldn't even be here in the middle of frelling summer, SUMMER. However, the rain makes puddles to splash in, so I can't complain. Anywhovle, you know the deal, I write you a fic, you read, you review it, I get a cookie, you get a cookie, we're all happy. **

**Enjoy**

**Sci-fi**

**Idea Five: Prank call them from the next room**

**Do do do do, Kim Possible**

**Do do do do, Kim Possible**

**Do do do do, Ki-**

**Ianto rolled over, attempting to fight the fogginess that was invading his mind. A fogginess that came from sleep, which he should be doing right now. A gift to man kind that was being interrupted by some awful ring tone. He groped around for the blasted thing. Inwardly smiling when he found it.**

"**Ello" he was answered by the buzzing commonly associated with silence**

"…"

"**Hello?"**

"…"

"**Is anybody there?"**

"…" **mentally shrugging Ianto hung up and dropped the phone onto the duvet beside him and sunk back into blessed, blessed sleep.**

**=Five or so minutes later=**

**Do do do do, Kim Possible**

**Do do do do, Kim Pos-**

"**Hello" Ianto scowled as again there was no answer**

"…"

"**Look, I am trying to sleep, I do not care why the hell you are calling me or how you enjoy this but I swear to whoever is up there I will not let you get to me" Ianto sighed angrily and threw his phone down on his bed before collapsing back and scrubbing a hand over his eyes.**

**=Two minutes later=**

**Do do do-**

"**WHAT FOR GOSH SAKE?"**

"…"

"**Ugh" Ianto hung up, rolled out of bed, stormed into the lounge and glared at one surprised looking Jack.**

**Jack looked up at his fuming boyfriend. A small shuddering shook his spine and if one looked closely one could see that his hands were shaking. However, one could not see that because this is a fictional writing, yet one must assume these things as the author just old you what was happening. So take that TV. HA! I digress.**

"**I do hope you realise that you have a personalised ring ton. So, that I know that its you when you call me. "**

"**Ah" If it was possible Ianto glared even harder**

"**Ah indeed. Now, I am going back to sleep. You shall sit in here and remain in absolute silence whilst I do so. You will not cook anything, you will not touch anything, you will not cause anything to self destruct. When I come out I will have thought of a suitable punishment"**

**Jack watched as Ianto turned around and slouched back into his room and closed the door.**

"**Shit"**

**=Even later on after Ianto had gotten his much needed sleep and Jack had sweated quite possibly a bucket of perspiration, ew=**

**Jack shot up as the door opened.**

**Ianto looked over at his boyfriend.**

"**One week"**

**The people in Six C. A lovely couple, Mr and Mrs Cooper. He was a lawyer, she was a accountant. Essentially the commerce version of pirates and ninjas, they had to fight to be together in their younger years. They had a daughter who was off somewhere attempting to win contracts for some rather large firm they thought it began with A D but who could know in this day and age. They also had a son who worked for world vision and was presently over in Nigeria as an aid worker. Basically, they were the run of the mill middle age couple, people of their time, couldn't work cell phones to save themselves but were proud that they could work the e-mail machine quite well indeed.**

**Anyway, they both looked up from their respective portions of the newspaper and glanced at each other with bespectacled eyes widened in surprise as an echoing wail travelled through their walls**

"**Was that Jack again?"**

"**I should think so. Ianto must have made him sleep on the couch again."**

"**I wonder what he did this time?""Probably mismatched Ianto's socks again"**

"**Will he ever learn?""Probably not?"**

**The pair shared a quiet chuckle as they returned to their papers.**


End file.
